5 Things That are Awkward


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1. Having to ask an attractive person how to get to the porta-potties

This actually happened to me yesterday. I wanted to wait for a more sanitary option, but when you gotta go…you gotta go. The restrooms were not openly apparent, and the best bet for finding my way were a pair of blonde guys only slightly older than me. Needless to say, not a happy situation.

2. Saying something really dumb around an attractive person

We’ve all been there. You can see the man/woman of your dreams out of the corner of your eye, trying to keep cool and look hot when something falls out of your mouth that you never meant to let slip. Something like “I don’t care about my grades,” or “Ugly people don’t have souls,” just to be purely hypothetical. There goes every chance you had, you permanently single freak you.

3.Thinking someone is talking to you when they’re not

A little while back someone was making wild hand gestures at me which I couldn’t comprehend. I kept mouthing, “What?” She kept pointing towards me over and over again for reasons beyond my comprehension until she stood up, walked past me, and started talking to the person behind me. Face palm.

4. Not knowing your relatives

I grew up in a situation where my first cousins lived across the country in two directions, and I still can’t tell some of them apart. There’s a good chance that if I saw one of them person, we would be complete strangers and could pass each other without either of us realizing it. If asked to point them out in photographs, I usually fail. It’s not good.

5. Complaining about something when the person you’re complaining to has the same problem only worse

In this situation you’re usually stuck between feeling like a selfish heel or feeling like your companion is trying to one-up you. But, since we’re human, you usually lean towards the selfish heel bit, making life one big bowl full of awkward when you realize your self-pitying is over nothing and you’re probably a terrible person.

This doesn’t complete the list of things that are awkward. Just remember, no matter how embarrassing things get, they will keep coming back and it will only get worse. Your life will always stink, and so will everyone else’s.

Awkwardness? I say bring it on.

Ciao for now,

Mikki

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Goodbye, 2012


Well, 2012 is coming to a close, and I still have yet to post my last post before it does.

Here’s what I’ve learned from 2012:

1.When I want a chicken sandwich, it all of a sudden means I have right-wing political opinions.

2. Keep your friends close and don’t bother even having enemies.

3. You should probably study for tests.

4.The Wii Fit is actually pretty fun.

And finally,

5. Don’t believe everything the Mayans tell you.

Have a great New Year!

Ciao for now,

Mikki

Why Science Is Letting Christmas Start Early This Year


I’ve always told myself (among others) that I’m the type who hates commerical prematurity when it comes to the holidays. But I won’t lie any more.
Unofficial studies that have yet to be conducted prove that about 91.31% of the fun of Christmas comes from the anticipation. Everything else is really nothing more than a byproduct of our addiction to material things (which I’m not going to criticize; I LOVE material things!)
Only…what makes it so great? Why do we anticipate Christmas so much after disappointment and bitterness year after year after year? Here’s my theory:

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Aaron’s 100% Scientifically-Backed Theory on Things i.e. Christmas and the Anticipation Thereof

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1. Buying presents.
The reason we like to buy presents for people is because we like to think we can always understand them and anticipate how they will react in given situations. We also feel charitable and self-sacrificing through this action. Throughout our lives, we have been trained to believe that this is a good thing to do and if you don’t enjoy giving presents, then you are a Scrooge.

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2. Putting up decorations.
The human mind likes to be creative. Color schemes, ornaments with dates, and blinky lights activate the section of the brain that controls creativity. Very young people can get the same reaction by running in circles around the tree and putting up every ornament (that was once) in the cardboard box labeled “Christmas.” Also, trees and exterior decorations can be a source of compliments, which are a form of instant gratification necessary for some parts of patience to function.

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3. Watching Christmas Specials.
Movies dubbed “classic” by film gurus, but are only viewed once a year (by the Laws and Properties of Social Acceptability, article VIII) are treasured by the public. Well-written and entertaining movies/shorts, and those with sentimental value, stimulate the “Aww” parts of the brain, the same as is provoked by cat images. This is due to the small children, morals, and lovey-dovey scenes within the movies/shorts. If you do not enjoy these movies/shorts, then you are a Scrooge.

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4. Looking at Others’ Decorations.

Certain types of decorations are recognized “Beautiful” or “Inspirational.” Although often said to move the heart, it is not fatal. Science is still at odds as to the cause of this phenomenon.

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5. Santa Claus

Christmas presents are always tied to a single rotund old elf who resides on the North Pole. Although studies show that only the very foolish and the very wise believe in this elf, Santa Claus, all tell of the wonders of his journeys in the night. An almost religious reverence is tied to his arrival, mainly because of commercialism and wanting what is called “cool” stuff. This stuff is brought to every house on Earth by the elf. The roots of these beliefs are the same as all religions: evolution giving humans a way to connect. Those who do not believe in Santa Claus can be called non-believers, Santatheists, or Scrooges.

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This is my theory, but I would LOVE to hear yours! Leave it in the comments. Just make sure you have evidence; it took excruciating research to produce this article and I’m a bit of an expert now.

Ciao for now,

Mikki

Want Something Funny to Write About?


Well, there are a whole lot of blog ideas out there on the grand interwebs, and I would say about 0.01% of them are helpful.

“Write about something that is important to you,” they say. I have been very particular about NOT writing about politics on my blog (even during these trying times). Well, not outright anyway.

“Write about something that happened to you,” they say. There’s not much I want to share about my life, and very little that anyone would find interesting anyway. Most of my thoughts are embedded in the poetry, short stories, rants, and other things I post.

“Write a review,” they say. My reviews turn out to be a little rant-y, and I don’t think I’ve ever reviewed anything that I like.

The rest are great ideas for your business blog, or your “niche.” What’s a niche and how the hay do I get one?

And the worst part is, none of these topics give much of an opportunity for a laugh. So, without further ado, I present some questions that may lead to something spectacular:

1. If you could marry a(n)…which one would you marry? Why?

…actor/actress? …book character? …movie villain? …kitchen appliance? …color? …political party? …kind of shoe? Don’t use any logic that a normal person would be able to relate to. Personify! Show off your creativity!

2. If your life was a cup, what kind would it be?

A champagne flute? Plastic Ikea? A Dr. Pepper can? Could be, more literally, what you/your life is filled with, or something else.

3. If you painted your ceiling, what would it end up looking like?

We’re not all Michelangelos. Your reincarnation of the Sistine chapel might not be perfect.

4. If a celebrity (of your choice) were to tag your wall, who would it be and what would it look like?

It might not even be with spray paint. For example, Kanye West might superglue pictures of himself to your wall. Martha Stewart would install a home organization system. Etc etc.

5. Write an ad for a product that should (or shouldn’t) be.

How about something to permanently pinch your lips into that perfect duck shape, or get your hair to stick straight up ten feet? It doesn’t have to be designed to make you more attractive, maybe even something to make you less appealing to the people you want to attract.

6. Start out with an absurd sentence.

The monk, who had spent nearly an entire day sweating in a closed space which smelled suspiciously of tomato paste, finally got one of those deep nostril breaths that only came with air that didn’t smell like tomato paste.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to learn the Macarena, Tabitha thought, stroking her temples with two long rubber spatulas; she had bought them earlier that day on clearance at Target and was feeling rather like a rocket scientist herself.

“Writing didn’t used to be such a struggle,” the venerated blogger whispered into my ear with a long, raspy voice that suggested the end of a heroine, “But more like a joy, a form of love.”

Let me know if you use any of these suggestions!

Ciao for now,

Mikki

The 5 Worst Things to Do on a Test


How many of us have bombed a test at any point in our schooling careers… because of one stupid, bonehead mistake? (Or maybe more of them, from my own personal experience. I seem to commit more than my fair share of stupid mistakes.)

1. Do a little bit of wrong work that throws off the whole thing.

If you’re taking a math test and you write a minus sign instead of a plus sign, then your entire problem will be screwed up, and you will be screwed. Especially in those multi-step equations.

2. Fill in the wrong bubble.

You know the right answer, but your pencil doesn’t seem to.

3. Write something down from a few steps back.

You have the right answer… and work to prove it. But it looks like the work got in the way, and you wrote down a number or a term that is only a fraction of the right answer. Whoops.

4. Simply not know the answer.

It’s not that you forgot it, you never knew it in the first place. Did you miss a day of class? Everyone else knows the answer. So why don’t you? This is where the some of the real panic can start to rise.

5. Get too frustrated.

If you get too frustrated while taking a test, it will make it harder. The questions won’t make any sense and your fingers will spend more time pressed against your forehead than wrapped around a pencil. Relax.

Ciao for now,

Mikki

What Not to Miss in New Mexico


I’ve been vacationing in New Mexico over the past few weeks, specifically in the Albuquerque area. Here are five places–restaurants, national parks, and more–that I will be coming back to next year!

1. The Petroglyphs National Monument.My personal favorite was the Three

An antelope in a tutu?

Sisters area, because I got to climb right up the side of a volcano (extinct of course!). But there are, of course, more handicap accessible areas to this park. Almost everywhere there are petroglyphs carved on the lava rock–hence the name–which are truly fascinating. Some things lead you to wonder what the artists was thinking when he carved what he carved, and others will simply leave you astounded that a bored shepherd could be so talented.

2. Blake’s Lotaburger. Okay, so they might have these in other places throughout the country, but not where I’m from. The reason to go in New Mexico, is that you can get the burger with green chile (which you can get on just about anything in New Mexico, really). The burgers are excellent, the fries are perfect. It won’t even cost you an arm and a leg to eat there–burgers are around 3 or 4 dollars.

3. El Morro National Monument. Now, this one is not at all handicap accessible. I don’t know why they even bothered to put in a handicap entrance, because a person who wasn’t 100% mobile would have a hard time getting around. Once you get to the top of the box canyon, you have to climb over rocks on a thin trail where any great deviation would end in a plummet to your death. The map marks it as “slightly strenuous” but beware! (Fortunately, I love these kinds of hikes.) Nevertheless, the view was astounding, with a gorgeous forest on the end you come in on, and vivid mesa and desert scenery just around the bend. definitely a park for the more daring hiker, but still be cautious: watch the weather reports and make sure you’re not going to be there on a rainy day.

El Morro encompassing me…I couldn’t quite capture it in a single shot, or even a panorama.

4. The Sandia Mountains. The drive up is fun because your ears pop every few minutes, but also a little scary because some places lack a guard rail. The trail is paved up to a point, with the option of walking along the (unpaved) edge of the cliff or staying as far away from it as you possibly can. There are forests and crooked trees, and a never-ending supply of panorama material. Once you get high enough, you can see out beyond the city to where there is untouched desert, to where the mountains fade into the sky in the distance, and you feel so small. There’s also a hummingbird feeder with photogenic hummingbirds who will let you get as close as you want, and I spent a lot of time there. This place is very prone to violent storms, and this year we were forced to go back to the gift shop when clouds formed overhead–and none-to-soon, either, because it hailed for at least 15 minutes. But they can still expect me back!

5.The Albuquerque Botanical Garden and Aquarium.Sounds sort of childish,

From a movie I took

but I got great shots of flowers, not to mention I had a good time. There are flowers and butterflies and dragonflies, and an entire garden dedicated to children (I went there when I was little and it was brand-new, had a blast). The aquarium has all kinds of fish and even eels, which I haven’t seen often, and the tank of moon jellies is eerily beautiful. The zoo, another part of the ABQ Biopark, is a miss (although I was spoiled with a world-class zoo when I grew up, so my standards are pretty high).

6. Sadie’s. I know I said 5 and that this is under the “Top Five Lists” category, but this is another place you gotta go. The Mexican food here is generous and delicious, with cheese and refried beans enough to share. For kids? The quesadilla appetizer, split between two or three of them. Adults? Get anything you want, it’s all great (the only thing I would advise against would be the taquitos)! Served with free chips and salsa as an appetizer (naturally, this is New Mexico we’re talking about!) and sopapillas with honey for dessert.

They have a ton of airplanes and fighter jets, etc, outside of the museum.

7. The National Museum of Nuclear Science and History. Screw the number five. You gotta see this too. I’ve been here three times, and every time I’m a little scared and awed, even though it doesn’t change significantly from year to year. It’s cool to see bombs, photos, and artifacts, from the trinity site to the Cold War. Seeing the size of those bombs and thinking about what they are made to do gives you chills. You look at what the government said would save you in an atomic attack, and that will make you fear and question what you hear. It’s a great place to take kids who have an interest in science, or boys who have an interest in military vehicles.

I hope this helps anyone who is planning a trip to NM! And even if you’re not planning one, then why not?

Ciao for now,

Mikki

Five Things I Don’t Understand


There are a lot of things that are “cool” that I’m not sure I understand.

Hipster Mr. Potato Head had a moustache before it was cool!

1. Moustaches. I mean, sure, they’re amusing…fun to say, and they’re kind of silly…but I wouldn’t want to have plastic ones on my face, or moustache jewelry, or anything else. There’s a time when moustaches stop being fun, and just become overused. (Not at all unlike those feathers which, after everyone had put them into their hair, simply weren’t new or interesting anymore.) I feel badly for that person who decided to use moustaches as a form of self-expression, before someone else caught on and they became a fad.

2. Cat-eye glasses. Personally, I feel like these should leave their vintage stake in the 1950s. They’re not even particularly attractive; they belong in costume stores in the year 2012. I mean, it’s very nice that someone wanted to go back in time for their own self-expression, but that person should have been let be. It’s similar to the moustache deal, but it seems even more of a single-person expression than even the moustaches. Would people please stop copying strong individuals? There are only so many, and you’re making it hard to tell the difference.

3. YOLO. When people say YOLO, what they mean is “I only have one chance so I have to try everything!” Sometimes, all I hear is, “I’ve only got one life to screw up, and no other way of justification!” There are some things that you’ll regret ever trying, like smoking or anything else they always told you to avoid, and some things you will always be looked down on for doing. YOLO would make a lot more sense to me in a situation more like this:

“Tell me, why did you save starving children in impoverished third-world nations, and then give all of your profits from your touching novel to cancer research?”

“Because YOLO, that’s why.”

Apparently you’re supposed to do something utterly stupid for no reason instead of making a change in the world. (To see more on this topic click here.)

4. Modern music (or, rather, most of it). The lyrics are bad and many songs seem to contradict themselves within those lyrics, if there’s even any common theme or idea to be contradicted. There are exceptions to the rule, as there are with almost any rule, but after listening to the radio I found that there aren’t many. They’re incredibly catchy and easy to sing along to, but more often than not you wouldn’t want your children to sing along to those songs. I don’t when music went south, but someone needs to throw it out and get some fresh music before the mold spreads.

5. Body piercings. Ear piercings are okay, and to some extreme so are lip or

Ouch.

other facial piercings. But other piercings look painful, and aren’t always attractive. They are harder to take care of and keep clean. And sometimes, it just looks like something scary. But, I suppose, if that’s how people feel comfortable and that’s what they want to do with their body, then that’s self-expression, right? I have no place to deny the right to self-expression.

If I offended you please let me know and I will make a personal apology! I’m not used to letting myself known in such a non-subtle way!

If you liked this post you will probably also like this one.

Ciao for now,

Mikki